


looking for the answer

by undeliveredtruth



Series: journeys [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (you don't need to read the previous stories), Also a lot of conversations, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Christmas Themes, Dirty Talk, Double Penetration, M/M, Now for the unholy stuff:, Post-college?, Riding, Threesome - M/M/M, mentions of mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 19:50:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: Recently, Soonyoung’s story feels like one of those dime-a-dozen Christmas movies. The working professionals, Secret Santa, holiday fairs, coming back to your old city, old relationships and new ones, relaxed gatherings with good friends, Christmas magic. Love.Except it’s all of that but that's barely anything of it, with way more issues, a lot more questioning, and it’s also definitely not family-friendly.





	looking for the answer

**Author's Note:**

> #Christmasisanexcuse for me to write this monster, but anyway. Merry Christmas! 
> 
> If you've just stumbled here and didn't read this series before, you don't necessarily need to, and you can go back after, if you'd like. This has a bit of a different focus than the previous ones, so it's totally fine, but it’s still the ending of a series, so if you go back, be aware you’ll know the end! This is a slice of life story though, so it doesn’t have a climax and a clear ending, but more like various trials, so I think you still could enjoy reading this first! (Or only haha.)
> 
> For people who've read this series before... I'm sorry, but also not sorry at all, because this has been my favorite thing to write ever. I hope you enjoy it!

Soonyoung stirs awake, his head pillowed on a hard chest. He moves his head a little, shaking off the sleep from his eyelids. He’s a bit disoriented, and an unfamiliar groan from above startles him. It doesn’t sound right and it shakes him a little bit.

One second after, he realizes it’s Mingyu and calms down. For a moment there, he thought differently.

He doesn’t fall back asleep though, can’t anymore, so he gets up, browsing the room for his clothes. They’re folded on the chair, Mingyu must’ve arranged them after he passed out, and he quickly puts his underwear and pants on, followed by his sweater.

“Stay. I’ll make breakfast,” Mingyu’s low rumble, like every morning Soonyoung’s stayed over, lets him know he’s awake. Usually, he wouldn’t say no to his cooking, but he feels restless, kind of off this morning.

“Can’t, have to go get ready for the class.” His class is in the afternoon these Sundays and Mingyu knows that, but doesn’t comment. Despite how weird he's feeling, Soonyoung is grateful.

“I’ll call you.”

“Dinner with Jeonghan and Joshua tonight, don’t forget,” Mingyu reminds him. “Jihoon is also dropping by.”

Oh, Jihoon is back. He completely forgot about that, since he and Seungcheol moved back to Seoul just a few weeks before.

“I’ll see you there.” Mingyu just nods.

Soonyoung wonders if he should turn around, say something, kiss him, take up his offer for breakfast. Mingyu has probably grown to expect nothing from him, so he just doesn’t. The apartment door locks behind him when he leaves, and he sighs.

* * *

Class goes well, but then again, there’s never really anything that can go wrong in teaching elementary school students the basics of dancing.

It’s not exactly what he’s imagined himself to be doing, but they’re rich kids, so he lives comfortably. His phone buzzes as the paycheck for this month enters his account right after he finishes the class, and even though he should get ready for dinner, he stops and sits on the floor.

The cloud that’s been over him the entire day doesn’t go away; it’s one of those days where he ponders about himself, about what he’s doing. He feels aimless, has felt like this since the ankle injury that made him enlist, back then when most of BTS also did those three years or so ago, maybe even earlier, after finishing college a year before. And even if he’s healed and was unexpectedly cleared to dance professionally again after leaving the army, the two years of no dancing and the confusion left him slow and unmotivated. With BTS not actively promoting again, and just releasing music, he’s also never felt much of a drive to go back and find someone else to work with.

But just now, seeing the kids that he’s been teaching and their potential, he wonders if he’s doing enough. If the kids classes and sometimes the beginner and advanced adult classes, and the very rare choreographies he does, are what he wants to do.

 _‘You're coming, yes?’_ the text from Jeonghan buzzes. He sighs, getting up to shower and change to his normal clothes.

_‘Yes, I'll be there at 6’_

Before he fully gathers everything left over from the class, a few knocks on the glass door startle him. Jumping in surprise, he turns around, seeing Jihoon and Seungcheol standing behind the door.

He quickly goes to open the door for them, and they step in, saying hello. They look around appreciatively, humming; he knows how it looks, the building and the studio look incredibly luxurious. If once he was proud of that, he's since become jaded.

"Is this where you work full-time?" Jihoon asks, turning to him. Soonyoung's sat down on one of the benches he dragged in the middle of the room.

"Yes, mostly. There's another studio I teach advanced classes and choreograph at sometimes, as I said, but not much."

Jihoon hums in approval, and then sits down on the bench a bit further from him, Seungcheol settling next to him. Despite Soonyoung informing him of what he does now, Jihoon's never come to his studio.

"We don't wanna stop you if you were going to go change," Seungcheol comments. "Our company's close to here, so we thought we'd just walk here and ask you to drive us to dinner too if you don't mind. Jeonghan let us know where it is."

"Of course not, let me just shower and change then. Feel free to look around."

He goes to the employee's locker room, drops his clothes and gets in the shower, quickly washing the sweat and dust off of himself. It takes him a few more minutes before he comes out and throws the clean clothes on, putting his teaching clothes from the studio in the basket. There's someone who comes by and washes them every day, so he'll just pick them up the next day. Making sure he has his keys, his phone, and wallet, he walks out back to the room Soonyoung and Jihoon are in. They look like they're looking at the sound system in the back corner of the room.

"Why is this here?" Seungcheol asks. "It's really advanced."

"They rent this out to idols and crews sometimes, so they need a good sound system, apparently. It's a bit overkill but," he shrugs. They have the money. Soonyoung's really grown to dislike these little things, he realizes. Or maybe he's just having a bad day.

"Let's go?" He asks and lets them exit first, locking the room behind them and heading down.

"Thanks for letting them up, Hayoon," he tells the girl at the reception, who springs up when she hears him.

"Oh. No problem oppa, have a nice evening!" She says, as excited as always when she sees him. Like every single time, he just feels sorry.

Jihoon raises one eyebrow at him when they're outside.

"She likes you. She lit up when she heard your name and immediately let us go up."

"I know. They don't know, well..." That he's gay. Anyway. He's not about to tell Jihoon he tried dating her, back when the army left him so messed up about himself he tried to deny it, futilely, obviously. A lame moment, a poor try nobody else will ever know about. Asking Mingyu to save him from a date when he realized what he was doing got him in his bed, so he doesn't consider it such a bad thing after all.

"How are you doing?" He asks when he backs out of his parking spot and exists the underground parking lot. "I feel like we've hung out since you came back, but I still don't know much about how work is and stuff."

"It's good," Jihoon answers. "We only came back because they're a really good recording company and they're doing really well. And also cause living in the US just didn't work out well, so I think we're much better now."

When looking to his right, his eyes catch on the glint of Seungcheol's silver ring on his fourth finger. He's sorry he couldn't attend the small ceremony they held a year or so before, but he's really happy for them, and said it many times. But he's also a bit jealous of how well it worked out for them, and how they got to work for the same company as producer and songwriter. Seungcheol even has some stuff out, and they have the ideal life he knows they both deserve.

"I'm glad. Did you settle into that new place yet?"

"Nope, we decided not to get it," Seungcheol answers. "We wanted something in Gangnam, closer to the company, but everything we've seen so far is either way too lavish, or too far."

"You should look for Mingyu's apartment complex, it's the LG one. It's pretty close to my studio, so if you said your company's near, it's pretty good. Not too expensive, not too cheap either."

"Thanks," Seungcheol answers. "We'll make sure to look for it."

Two seconds of silence pass, and then right in a second, Soonyoung hears Jihoon say his name in that tone of voice that lets him know he wants to ask a certain type of question. He would bet he can tell what it's about.

"Soonyoung... Jeonghan mentioned something. Are you and Mingyu dating?" Ah, he could've won good money.

"Not really. It's complicated, but we have... a thing."

Soonyoung hears the surprise mostly in their silence.

"He and Wonwoo aren't together?"

"Not really."

"Ah," Jihoon says, just like that, and it gets so awkward. He's never talked about this and _not_ had it get awkward.

Thankfully, they're almost at the restaurant, and Soonyoung can't wait for the moment he can escape the weird air in the car. He's just really not having it today.

When they walk in, they see Jeonghan wave from a table to their right and Soonyoung dismisses the hostess, pointing to him. A quick look around the table shows him there's one empty spot next to Mingyu, and two next to each other across the table. Soonyoung's not about to be an asshole, so he sits down next to Mingyu, who immediately puts a hand on his thigh under the table and turns to him to whisper.

"Are you okay? You sounded off this morning."

"I'm fine, don't worry," he quickly responds and turns his eyes away, catching Jihoon looking at them. He doesn't say anything, his look blank, so he looks over the table again. Everybody but Wonwoo is here, since he's visiting his family, and Chan, their token straight friend, even brought his girlfriend. Whatever it is, Jeonghan and Joshua were serious.

"We just wanted to invite you all here because we haven't all seen each other in a while, not since Jihoon and Seungcheol came back, so let's order," Jeonghan says, and Soonyoung can't help but chuckle. He thought married life would tame Jeonghan being... well, Jeonghan, but Joshua just seems to encourage him more than anything.

Jihoon and Seungcheol introduce themselves to Chan's girlfriend, and Soonyoung just stops for a second to think about how their friend group pretty much did not change since college. With some exceptions, of course.

* * *

He doesn't know what it is about this choreography, but his beginner class just seems to not get it. He doesn't know if it's him, or the choreography, or the fact that it's been terribly cold today and everybody is just demotivated, but it's getting to him. He doesn't let it show because he's a professional, but when everybody leaves, he realizes his heart is beating fast.

 _‘Coming over now’_ He texts Mingyu, because when he’s feeling worked up and frustrated, it means it’s time to be fucked until he can’t remember it.

_‘Waiting for you. Wonwoo’s here’_

_‘Perfect’_ he texts and gets into his car, a 3-minute drive through the night streets of Apgujeong. Mingyu’s apartment is closer and nicer than his, so it’s often that he just spends the night there cause he’s too tired to do the half-hour drive home.

When he gets to Mingyu’s apartment, he opens the door and lets himself in. Expectedly, they’re playing Mario Kart on the couch, and from the looks of it, Mingyu’s winning. Well, not for long.

He sends a hello that they ignore even though they heard, because that’s them, and then Soonyoung not so subtly, from behind Mingyu, puts an ice-cold hand on his neck, making him startle and drive off of Rainbow Road. He groans loudly and Wonwoo starts grinning, and Mingyu’s focus is even more torn to shreds when Soonyoung moves his hand under his shirt to play with his nipple. He messes up again, Soonyoung thinking they need to work on this very excitable personality of his.

Eventually, he loses and groans while Wonwoo continues to chuckle at him. He doesn't think much as he climbs in Mingyu’s lap, straddles his thighs, and starts kissing him properly. Mingyu’s big hands envelop most of the small of his back, like usual, and grind him down onto him.

When he thinks he’s put on enough of a show, he breaks off the kiss, smiling when Mingyu knows to immediately bite at his neck.

“Wanna join?” He turns to Wonwoo and asks.

Wonwoo considers it for a few seconds, while a well-placed tongue on Soonyoung’s pulse point and a squeeze to his ass make him moan a little bit.

“Yes.”

“Ah... turn that off then.”

Wonwoo does as asked, grabbing the controller dangling from Mingyu’s hand on Soonyoung’s back so they don’t have sex to the Mario Kart tunes, and shutting it off.

Soonyoung wastes no time in grabbing his sweater after, and dragging him in for a kiss. Wonwoo’s an incredible kisser, one of the best Soonyoung’s ever had, thorough and slow, precise. Coupled with Mingyu’s excitability, his quick kisses and his determination to get his hands on as much of Soonyoung as he can as quickly as possible, they always kind of manage to drive him crazy, whenever this happens, make him lose control.

* * *

“What do you want?” Wonwoo asks him while he’s taking his clothes off, Mingyu biting down his chest. Soonyoung smacks the side of his neck a little bit to remind him not to leave marks, and Mingyu chuckles.

“Both of you.”

“You sure?” He almost never asks for that because they’re both so big it hurts like a bitch, and he’s usually so sore he can’t teach classes the next day, but he has no classes tomorrow, and he really wants it.

“I’ll suck you off,” Mingyu says, and they’ve done this enough times to know where to go. Mingyu switches their positions until Soonyoung is straddling his chest and he has access to take the tip of Soonyoung’s cock in his mouth, making him moan in one second.

Two seconds later, Wonwoo’s heat at his back makes him buckle into Mingyu’s mouth, and his hands, cold with lube, play with his hole. Besides being extremely talented at kissing, Wonwoo’s also unfairly good with his hands and usually manages to get him desperate in a matter of a couple of minutes. He keeps kissing Soonyoung while he gets two, three fingers in him, stretching him out so carefully, but he’s going to need more than that to take them both.

“Mingyu.” Soonyoung feels one hand leave his thighs and move over, lube dripping down his ass.

That’s when he feels the filthiest whenever they do this, when one of Mingyu’s fingers slides inside him along Wonwoo’s three, now bordering on pain, and he smiles, eyes closed and his lips red from being bitten.

“Fuck, you’re really eager tonight,” he registers Wonwoo saying and nods, grinding down more on their fingers. They open him up so slow and so thorough until he doesn’t know how much he’s taking, a mess under their hands.

When he drops down on Mingyu’s cock, he barely feels the stretch, so much lube he can bounce up and down easily. They’re always really careful with him, even when he almost drops, and he lets them know he’s not there yet by leaning down and kissing Mingyu, rubbing his hands up and down his chest.

“I’m good, I’m good,” he lets Wonwoo know, who slides two fingers inside him alongside Mingyu’s cock. He doesn’t need it, but Wonwoo loves to play with him, and also Mingyu, who moves quietly and shakes a little bit under Soonyoung. Soonyoung laughs because he knows Mingyu’s trying not to come too early, but Wonwoo and Soonyoung together are tough to resist. He tightens around Mingyu as much as he can, who groans, but then it’s his turn to be played, when Mingyu thrusts deep, touching his prostate.

“Wonnie, please, condom, do it,” he whimpers, and Wonwoo obliges, pulling his fingers out. Soonyoung hears the condom open and before he knows it, Wonwoo is slowly inching inside him along Mingyu.

 _It hurts, it hurts so bad,_ that he can’t help but let out a silent scream, groaning loudly and almost letting himself drop down on Mingyu. Mingyu encourages him with low words and hands stroking his nape and playing through his hair, and on his hips, but it’s not like Soonyoung needs to be encouraged.

He loves it, loves feeling filled to the brim, stretched out and hurting, and fuck does he like it when they do it to him. His hard-on doesn’t flag even a little while he adjusts, Wonwoo’s hand on his cock making sure of that.

Wonwoo doesn’t fully wait for him to get used to it before slowly thrusting inside of him because Soonyoung’s told him he likes that, loves the pain.

“Look at you smiling, little slut. You love taking us both, don’t you? Like being fucked so hard,” Wonwoo whispers in his ear, his hand replacing Mingyu’s to pull his hair back. He gets a little cruel, a little rough when he tops with Mingyu, but it’s never too much for Soonyoung. He could probably never reach too much, honestly, and he only does it because of Mingyu’s sweetness, how he caresses Soonyoung and makes sure he’s okay.

Wonwoo’s thrusts become quick, as fast and hard as he can go and Soonyoung downright screams on every thrust because it’s so much, and they take no pity.

“Fuck,” Wonwoo whispers in his ear again. “You’re so good, so fucking tight, so eager for us,” he breathes out and Soonyoung feels fingers touching his stretched rim, feeling at where he's taking them both. He lets out a moan at that, and wonders how it feels for them to be fucking him together, and somewhere in the haze, he makes a note to ask Wonwoo to do this sometime.

He quickly loses his train of thought when Mingyu switches a little bit and presses against his prostate, constant pressure that along with Wonwoo’s thrusts, makes him downright scream. Mingyu only grabs his hips tighter to keep him in place, even when Soonyoung’s hands give out and he finally collapses on Mingyu’s chest.

That’s when he loses it, feeling nothing more than their hands on him and the feeling of them inside him, still kind of painful, but in a different way. Mingyu strokes his back, his arms, plays with his hair, whispers words of encouragement in his ear while he shakes with pleasure.

Wonwoo has no restraint now, fucking into him hard and fast, driving Mingyu inside him more as well, and soon enough, Mingyu groans loudly and Soonyoung, even if almost gone, feels him come in the condom.

It takes him a few seconds to get himself back before his hand is on Soonyoung’s cock, stroking him slowly, so much more slowly than how Wonwoo is ruining him right now. When he comes, the pleasure rips through him, and the world goes black for a few seconds.

He’s useless on Mingyu’s chest, but they’re still inside him and he still feels stretched open, filled, Wonwoo barely slowing down.

“Should Wonwoo keep going, baby?” Mingyu asks him, soft and slow, and Soonyoung nods quickly, eagerly. When it gets too much for Mingyu he pulls out, Soonyoung can feel his tip catching on his rim, and he instead strokes Soonyoung’s hair, wipes his tears when Wonwoo slams into him, so oversensitive and making him feel so good his moans are almost screams. He doesn't know how long it takes, could be seconds or could be hours, but Mingyu keeps playing with his nipples and stroking his cock, and he comes again, almost dry, full on crying by now.  
`  
When Wonwoo comes, he buries himself in Soonyoung with a low groan, and Soonyoung wishes more than anything he could feel him come inside him, feel owned like that, but they can’t.

Wonwoo pulls out carefully as well, leaving Soonyoung feeling so empty and so lost he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Thankfully, Mingyu does, wrapping his hands around him and only letting go of him enough to let Wonwoo clean them both up with a towel he got.

“Feeling okay, baby?” Mingyu asks him in a low voice.

“Yeah,” he answers, his voice hoarse and rough from all the screaming and moaning. But the haze made him forget and now he’s just feeling exhausted, which is not a bad feeling.

Mingyu helps Wonwoo at least put clean underwear on him as they put on boxers on as well, and even if Wonwoo is not a cuddler, he doesn’t refuse Soonyoung when the latter faces him and drops a hand around his waist. Behind him, Mingyu’s also thrown a hand over their waists and buried his head mostly in Soonyoung’s hair, and Soonyoung falls asleep like that, his mind blank.

* * *

It’s not the first time Wonwoo’s joined them, or more like Soonyoung joined the two of them, and it certainly won’t be the last. He’s had qualms at the beginning about pretty much stealing his best friend’s boyfriend, and then sleeping with his best friend, but Wonwoo quickly told him he doesn't mind, and they’re not dating, and if he wants to buckle down with Mingyu, he’ll let him know so he can fuck off.

But so far he hasn’t, and Soonyoung has been in Mingyu’s bed more times than Wonwoo has the last few months. He also thinks Wonwoo’s been using him to satisfy Mingyu for the many times he can’t or doesn’t want to, so alas, this arrangement.

The only thing he is sad about sometimes is how none of them can offer Mingyu the stability someone like him needs. He’s brought that up a couple times before, but Mingyu said something along the lines of “I’m young, and I get two of the hottest people in my bed pretty much all the time, I don’t need stability yet,” so Soonyoung gave that train of thought up. It works and it feels good, and even if Soonyoung himself has other thoughts sometimes, they’re minor, and he moves on.

* * *

“What’s up with you,” Wonwoo asks, walking into Mingyu’s apartment.

“What?” Soonyoung asks, confused. He’s feeling alright.

“Go look in a mirror.”

Soonyoung goes, puzzled, passing by Mingyu on the way to his bathroom. He doesn’t even need to fully walk in to see it.

“Kim Mingyu!” He shouts in disbelief. He’s going to murder him.

“You look like you had a run-in with a wild animal and lost. Badly,” Wonwoo snarks.

“I did,” he says shortly and stares at Mingyu, who’s just laughing, the bastard. He gave him permission to bite a hickey on his chest, not _mangle_ him. “He’s an animal. Take him away. I don’t want him.”

Mingyu just keeps laughing while Soonyoung broods, and he wonders how the hell is he going to cover this up for Minghao’s party tonight. He doesn’t have a turtleneck, and everything of Mingyu’s just looks weirdly large on him. And he’s not going home.

Eventually, he has to borrow one of Mingyu's sweaters anyway, since the idiot spilled milk on him when they were trying to bake cookies for Minghao. Mingyu keeps teasing him about not letting him wear a turtleneck though, so he says fuck it because his friends know about them, mostly disapproving but hey, none of their business. He’s a little self-conscious walking in, the sweater obviously not his, hickeys peeking out of the neck of it, and one of Mingyu’s hands thrown around his waist as to say ’I did this.’ Soonyoung hasn’t forgiven him yet.

He forgets about it quickly though, as he walks in the living room, and for the first time in more than three and a half years, meets eyes with Seokmin.

* * *

“Let’s go, please,” he tells Mingyu after a couple of hours. It’s been torture to be in the same place with Seokmin, as he just can’t get himself to talk to him now. It’s been too long, and it's mostly the glances and the unasked questions from everyone and everything that get on his nerves, so he just wants to leave.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go say bye to Minghao.”

They do that, and when he hugs Minghao and says bye and happy birthday again, he tells him they’ll talk later. He knows that will come, he knows Jeonghan’s probably texted him already about this, but not now. Just not now.

Mingyu’s a godsend because he doesn’t ask anything even though he really wants to. He knows the story, but anyway.

He kisses him when they walk into his apartment, realizing it's probably the most time Soonyoung has ever continuously spent with him.

“Please.”

Mingyu acquiesces even though the reason for this is painstakingly obvious. He leads Soonyoung to the bedroom, and he drops on the bed, dragging Mingyu down with him. He’s tall and broad, enveloping him, and in his shadow, Soonyoung looks to forget.

When Mingyu looks for lube and a condom, Soonyoung takes it from him.

“Were your results okay?”

“Yeah. Yours?”

“Yes. Then leave it, if you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Just... fuck me.”

* * *

When he’s sufficiently exhausted to feel the littlest bit better, they settle in, and Mingyu passes out next to him. His phone lights up from the nightstand though, and he picks it up.

_’Hi. I don’t know if you changed your number or anything, but hi.’_

* * *

Soonyoung wishes he had because the message keeps staring at him from his phone for the next few days. He's long since deleted the notification, but it feels like it's still burning his eyes.

What is he supposed to say? Hi? Feels too sharp. Hi, Seokmin, sounds like he missed him, and that's just not it, or that he's cross with him, which is also not really it. Hi, how are you, would probably sound terrible, like they're just casual friends, and he doesn't want to purposely be passive-aggressive like that. Hi, Minnie, is also not something he would be caught dead saying, so... there's nothing.

So he just doesn't answer.

After a few days of Jeonghan pulling at him, he acquiesces and meets him and Joshua for lunch between two of his classes. They keep looking at him like they pity him, or like they're trying to see through him, between him taking bites of his kimchi jjigae, and it's getting annoying.

"Look. If you want to talk about it, just talk," he shoots, dropping his spoon on the table.

"How are you?" Jeonghan asks, a bit pitiful. Soonyoung hates hearing that.

"I'm great, thanks," he bites sarcastically, picking his spoon back up. "What do you want me to say? I'm broken and I'm in constant pain? I'm not. It's been almost three years. I've moved on."

"Cut the bullshit," Jeonghan says, all of a sudden changing his tone. "You haven't moved on."

"Why are you trying to tell me that? I have moved on, I dated people, I am constantly having sex with people, why wouldn't I have moved on?"

"You never dated people for more than two dates, and you're sleeping with Mingyu and Wonwoo because you've all happened to fall into a routine with it, but it's been months and you haven't done anything significant. Not quite proof."

Soonyoung's cheeks redden, either from anger or from something else, but he feels the tingle in his chest that tells him he's getting worked up. He focuses on breathing for a few seconds, looking at his plate, before he gets another fucking attack. It's not even panic these days, more like anger.

"I don't know what you're trying to prove to me here. I've made my choices, no matter what you think about them."

Jeonghan scoffs like he's challenging him. "And I'm saying you're not seeing it, but you're not happy."

"You're fucking with me," he throws, looking at Jeonghan. "Stop trying to get into my head just because you don't approve of what I do." Jeonghan himself maybe doesn't see it, but he has a tendency to manipulate people into seeing what he wants them to see. Soonyoung's too old to fall for it anymore.

"Did you think about it? Talking to him?" Joshua intercepts, sensing this is not going somewhere good.

"I don't know if I have anything to say to him. Not because I'm angry at him or anything, but there's just... nothing to say. He texted me, but I just can't figure out anything to respond with."

"He texted you? And you haven't responded?" Jeonghan throws, a bit in disbelief.

"Why would I? I told you I don't have anything to say."

"He broke up with you for your sake, and you're still like this?"

Soonyoung's lips immediately pull down and he takes his last bite, putting his spoon on the table. He won't have that shit from Jeonghan anymore.

"Stop saying he broke up with me for my sake. He broke up with me because he was too tired to put in the effort, and that's that. I don't blame him, but I'm over it."

"We just want you to be happy, Soonyoung, and you're not letting us help you."

"I don't know what you think constitutes as help, hyung, but making me go back to him is not it. No matter how I am with what I have with Mingyu and Wonwoo or where I am right now, happy or unhappy, you do not have the right to confront me about choices you do not approve of, as long as I'm not royally fucking up anything. And don't dare say I am because you're not me and I am not hurting anyone."

He checks his watch, sees it's almost time to go, fishes a few 10,000 won bills from his wallet to cover their whole meal, and puts them on the table.

"Talk to you later. Thanks for coming all the way here to have lunch with me," he says, picks up his coat and leaves the restaurant.

* * *

When Wonwoo calls him that evening, he's surprised. He thinks it has something to do with the very pleasant lunch he's had, but that's not it. He drives to Wonwoo's apartment and even if it's barely late evening, it's pitch black outside. Maybe it's a metaphor.

When he steps in and Wonwoo opens the door for him, nothing seems wrong. He's utterly confused. He doesn't need to ask though, because Wonwoo looks at him and shrugs.

"Mingyu's on a business trip and I'm horny."

"You're never horny first," Soonyoung chuckles, moving to grab his sweater and pull him towards him.

"I know you well enough to be," he says, all of a sudden, and Soonyoung can't quite hide the surprise that makes him smile a small smirk and raise an eyebrow. Wonwoo doesn't elaborate though and just pulls him towards the bedroom, kissing him.

Fucking Wonwoo when he's truly feeling it is always a delight, the few times he's done it without Mingyu.

When he tops, he’s all cocky smiles and condescending laughter, making you want to submit, let him do whatever he wants to do with you. When he bottoms though, he’s all serious and very rarely playful like his true persona. He’s demanding by being quiet like he wants you to please him, all high and mighty, Soonyoung can’t help but think of a cat. But if you please him right, after a little while he blushes, which he also never does otherwise, from his cheeks to his chest, and starts begging with his eyes closed, deep voice ending up in higher-pitched breaths that shouldn’t sound so good together.

But they do, fuck, Soonyoung loves pulling out slowly and then thrusting in fast, to catch him by surprise and hear those moans as he grabs the pillow, the headboard, Soonyoung, whatever he can. They also get along because Wonwoo told him he likes it rough from the beginning and doesn’t mind bottoming for him, has a thing for Soonyoung abusing his nipples and leaving handprints on his pretty neck as he gets wrecked. Soonyoung doesn’t mind wrecking him.

It's not much different this time, except Wonwoo tells him he wants to ride him, and _fuck_ if Soonyoung can say no to that. He's never seen Wonwoo quite like that; he's always a bit distant during sex, here for the pleasure and that's it, not much emotional attachment. Today though, today he's different. He takes Soonyoung's hands and puts them on his hips when he bounces on his cock, makes sure Soonyoung grabs him tight, before he slowly bends down and lays on Soonyoung's chest, back all arched and everything, to kiss him. Soonyoung's hands wander to the dip in his lower back and press him down, keep him where is so he can fuck up into him, and he seems to hit his spot because Wonwoo downright whimpers, a sound Soonyoung's never heard from him.

"You're good?" he whispers in Wonwoo's ear, grabbing his nape and playing with the hair there.

"So good, don't stop, please," Wonwoo moans, his fingers digging into Soonyoung's biceps.

So he doesn't, just holds him and strokes his cock with his free hand, and Wonwoo seems just gone with pleasure, reminding Soonyoung of how he feels sometimes under Mingyu. It's not long before Soonyoung feels him tighten around him and he tries to keep fucking him as pointedly as possible, stroking him through his orgasm.

Wonwoo bounces up and down on him when he's done, but he's so sensitive he can't do it for long, his thighs starting to tremble under the effort and the oversensitiveness.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, you don't have to keep going," he tells him and pulls out carefully when he nods. Wonwoo doesn't spare a second though to take the condom off and throw it in the trashcan next to the bed before he takes Soonyoung's cock in his mouth, his hand covering what he can't take. He's quick and sloppy, and it takes only Wonwoo pulling off once with his mouth open and tongue out, playing with his tip, and then taking him deep, almost in his throat, for Soonyoung to come in his mouth.

After, it's like nothing changed, even though Soonyoung feels so much did. He goes and showers first, almost at lightning speed, like he usually does, before Soonyoung's even gotten himself together.

When he's done showering too, Wonwoo goes to the balcony, and after Soonyoung gets dressed and grabs a blanket, he follows him. There's a beer waiting for him, but even after he settles and starts drinking, he can't get what Wonwoo's said to him and how he acted out of his head.

"Did you truly mean it? What you said when I came?"

"Yeah," Wonwoo answers after taking a swig of his drink. "I did."

It is a big deal, or at least it feels like it. Wonwoo's never called him first between the two of them, it was always Soonyoung asking if he felt like it, or something happening when they were hanging out and Mingyu happened to not be there. Wonwoo's also never been this... needy with him, letting himself go like that. Since Mingyu a few days before, and now even more, he feels like he's past the point of benefits with them. Suddenly, there's Jeonghan's voice in his head saying it's been months and he's done nothing to move this in any way. He wonders why, and if he should.

"Wonwoo..." he starts, and Wonwoo lets out a noise to show he's listening. "If you ever want me to seriously leave you two, tell me. It's okay."

"Don't worry about it. We don't want you gone."

It startles him, the way he phrases it. They've talked about it. The pull for him to go, to get away from something that is bordering on heavy, serious, is so strong he barely resists it.

But he does.

"Okay. Tell me though."

He ends up staying, and Wonwoo ends up resting his head on Soonyoung's arm and throwing one around his waist, and everything is so strange. So, so strange.

* * *

It's been snowing today, really hard, and Soonyoung is really unhappy with how much he has to clean his practice room when he's done with his kids' class. Some parents just don't have the concept of wiping their shoes at the entrance, and he doesn't want to leave dried mud for the cleaning lady to deal with.

So he takes a mop from the back and gets to work, cleaning most of the studio, before he sees his phone light up on the bench next to him. He's waiting for Jihoon to text him for dinner, so he picks it up, but it's not Jihoon.

_'If you didn't answer me because you think I want something, I really don't. I just... wanted to see how you were.'_

Soonyoung sighs, letting the mop drop and opening his phone.

 _'I didn't. I just didn't know what to say.'_ He types, because letting this go for too long implies too much thinking.

_'Oh. Sorry then. I don't want to bother you.'_

Soonyoung doesn't know how to answer that, so he lets it be for a few minutes. Seokmin's not bothering him, he just doesn't know what he's expecting from contacting him again.

It bothers him that he doesn't answer though, so he takes a seat on a chair in the changing room, pulling his phone back out.

 _'You're not bothering me. To answer the earlier question, I'm doing good. How about you? How was moving back?'_ He texts. He doesn't want to seem like he's mad or purposely being difficult.

The 'Read 17:19' appears instantly, and then the three typing dots.

_'It's alright. It's really good to be back.'_

Soonyoung bets. Even if he doesn't have much tying him to this place anymore, he still couldn't imagine leaving, and for so long.

"Soonyoung?" He hears Nayoung ask. Oh, he forgot she's teaching after him today.

"In the employee room. You can come in, noona," he shouts back, putting his phone in his pocket. She peeks her head in through the door.

"The floor's wet. Did you mop?"

"Yeah, parents left a lot of dirt."

She rolls her eyes, subtly, he can tell she's also annoyed by the people they work with. She's been his ally in this whole thing, bonding over their mutual love for SHINee and also over the fact they kind of hate working here, so they're kindred souls.

"I'll head out and let you set up," he says, grabbing his coat and belongings and heading out after he says bye to her and she waves in return. Jihoon texts him on the way down, saying he's caught up with too much work and he'll see him another day, so he goes to his apartment instead, planning delivery from his favorite Japanese restaurant to get there after him.

When he's biting into the steak from the rice bowl and catching up with the most recent drama on the sofa in front of the TV, his phone pings from the couch next to him. Seokmin's name shows up on his screen again, and Soonyoung remembers he forgot to answer.

_'Would you mind getting coffee with me, actually? I really kind of want to talk... about things.'_

Talk about what? If Soonyoung scrolls up just a little bit, he can see the _'I don't think I'm making you happy anymore. I think we should call it quits'_  text, and his _'okay'_ after it. They hadn't really talked before that for almost two weeks anyway, so what's left to talk about?

But he can't deny there's a part of him that's curious. Even if they haven't seen each other since Seokmin left for college in the US those three-something years ago, even if they haven't talked for most of them, he never got closure. He moved on, but never really got closure, so a traitorous part of him tells him to go, and understand why for good.

So despite his better judgment, he agrees, and they plan to meet that Sunday afternoon.

* * *

He spends Saturday "hanging out" with Mingyu and Wonwoo, Wonwoo offering to do what Soonyoung asked him. It's probably the best sex of Soonyoung's life, he's never seen Wonwoo ever moan and whine like that, and the feeling was indescribable. Wonwoo's touchy-feely and demanding for the rest of the day too, which is both new and not new, Mingyu cooks an amazing meal, so he forgets about everything for a day, and just relaxes.

Around late evening, his phone pings, and Mingyu hands it to him because Soonyoung's playing a game with Wonwoo. Mingyu doesn't say anything until they're done playing the round.

"Are you talking with Seokmin?" He asks curiously, and Soonyoung turns to him.

"Not really. He asked me to coffee cause he wants to talk."

"What about?" Wonwoo asks from next to him, tucking his head in Soonyoung's neck. He doesn't think he'll ever get used to that. From the armchair, Mingyu smiles.

"I guess about how things ended, I don't really know. I don't know if I think much of it. I'm just going because I don't see any reason not to go."

"Are you okay with it though?" Is he still fucked up over it, that's what Mingyu means. He thought he'd know.

"Yeah, I guess. It's been a long time, and a lot of shit has happened since then, so I guess when I feel bad, that's not what I think of anymore."

"You were messed up though, back then, with that and the injury," Mingyu says, careful. He's told them what happened, but not in detail.

"I wasn't messed up 'cause he broke up with me. I was messed up the entire semester we were drifting apart. Breaking up was only the icing on top of the cake." The injury because he got so wasted he couldn't even walk straight. "I seriously don't blame him, he was so busy, and we had been together for that period of time when you have to get used to the fact it becomes a routine, and he was away, and we didn't manage to. I had no hard feelings then, I wasn't angry or anything, I just felt sorry for myself, and with the studio thing 'cause of them kicking me out and stuff, it was too much."

"Do you regret enlisting?"

"No, I don't think so. It was horrible and it was a nightmare and it left me with... you know, but I don't. I had to do it at some point, and now it's over and I could get my life back. Unlike you all." It's taken him a while to be able to say that, but now he chuckles at the last sentence.

Wonwoo hums, shifting his head a little and tickling Soonyoung's jaw. His hand is on Soonyoung's knee, just resting there. It's weirdly comforting, settling. Aji also paddles in, coming from wherever she hides in during the day when she feels like not seeing them, and jumps in his lap, Soonyoung absentmindedly stroking her fur.

"Hyung," Mingyu starts. "Why don't you quit?"

"Hmm? Quit what?"

"The studio. And go choreograph and teach full time for the other one. You said they want you."

"Gyu... I can't. They don't pay that well. I have rent to pay and bills and my family to help..."

"Then move in with me."

Even Wonwoo is surprised by Mingyu's words, his jaw dropping along with Soonyoung's.

"I'm serious. I have an extra room, and it's closer to where you work anyway, and I don't mind, I love having you here. No attachment or anything, it doesn't... have to mean anything if you don't want. I just want to see you reach your full potential, 'cause you're holding yourself back, and if I can help, I really want to."

Soonyoung's head spins, he doesn't know what to say.

"I'll think about it?"

"Do it. You have the code anyway, so you're welcome to move in anytime if you want."

Him and Wonwoo both do, even if they don't have the code to each other's apartments, and Mingyu doesn't either. It's just... Mingyu said it doesn't have to mean anything. But does it? Not mean anything?

That night he can't sleep that well. Wonwoo decided to stay over too, and when it hits 1 AM and he really can't fall asleep, he decides to bring his laptop to the kitchen table. He opens YouTube and looks up his name, and his choreographies for the studio show up first. He opens one of them, and sees how happy he is in the beginning, before he puts on his dance expression and starts dancing.

He doesn't hear Wonwoo come in until he's next to him and touching his shoulder with his, and he startles.

"Are you looking at your choreographies?" Wonwoo asks, grabbing a glass of water and sitting across from him.

"Yeah. I... I don't know."

"You should do it."

"Do you think? Do you think it would be a good idea? Do you not even mind?"

"Why would I mind? Mingyu asked me a long time ago if I want to move in, and I said no." Soonyoung looks at him with a frown, biting his lip. "Look, I know you feel like you got between us, but you haven't. We want you, and whatever we have, it's fine. And we're all adults and know that when it shouldn't mean anything, we can make it not mean anything more if it's not the case and if you don't want to. But you know it will help. You know you've been using the money as an excuse for something else, not to venture out there, so let him help. Also, you've saved up enough for it to not actually matter, you stingy ass, and your family's fine, so now you have no excuse."

Soonyoung smiles even through the frown, one corner of his mouth lifting up.

"I'll think more."

"Think more, but later, because I'm fucking freezing and Mingyu took up the whole blanket and he's passed out like a log, so I need help."

Soonyoung chuckles, closing his laptop and joining Wonwoo, turning off the light behind them.

* * *

 Maybe it's because he didn't sleep well, but it all feels like a dream, like something out of his mind. Seokmin in front of him, looking so different from a few years ago, his expression duller, colder, the warmth of the coffee on his hands, the slow music. Seokmin sitting down, them chatting, before they get to what they're actually for, and Seokmin tries to explain himself. It's so weird.

“I told you before I don’t believe in the whole if you love them you let them go. I don’t blame you because it was my mistake too, but from how I see it, you just left me when it got hard for you,” he throws at Seokmin.

“From what I saw, I thought I was annoying you. I was never there when you needed me, and I couldn’t talk when you needed to, and I was angry at you because I was stressed. I wanted to let you date someone who actually cared about you.”

“I loved you, Seokmin. I didn’t want someone else, god.” Is he in a drama? “I regret not being able to say that then. I should’ve said no, and that I can wait and we can work it out. I really regret that.”

Seokmin’s taken aback, like he didn’t expect Soonyoung to say it. What did he expect, for Soonyoung to shout at him?

“I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have said it from the beginning.” Simple as that. He shouldn’t have. For something that was so complicated, an apology like that.

“I’m sorry too, really... What’s done it’s done, we can’t turn back time though,” he says it so detached, he’s almost shocked at himself. He didn’t know it would come out this way. “I’m glad you’re back though, if you feel better being in Korea,” he quickly says, to take away from the awkwardness from the previous phrase.

“Yeah... I am feeling better, I guess.”

“What are you doing now?”

“I’m... probably going to try going to castings for musicals, because I have the experience from the US. I got an offer to teach, cause I did a minor in education, but I’m not going to take it.”

“You shouldn’t. You’re too talented to teach.”

“What about you? You teach, right?”

“Not for long, I’m quitting for an advanced class and choreography studio, for a pretty high position, I hope.”

“Congratulations!” Seokmin smiles at him. Soonyoung smiles back.

“Thank you.”

They chat for a bit more, about how life was in the US, what he’s looking for, like they’re friends. Just friends.

Before he leaves to take a taxi, Seokmin turns to him.

“I... I don’t know if you're in the dating scene, or if you’re dating someone, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But... if you want to go out, ever again, I’m here.”

“Seokmin...”

“I don’t want an explanation, you don’t owe me one. Just... if you do, call me. Bye, Soonyoung.”

* * *

He happens to eat dinner with Jihoon and Seungcheol that evening, and when they hear that he's come from meeting Seokmin, they start interrogating him about how it went.

“It was so weird. So, so weird.”

“Like how?”

“Like you know, when you have history with someone, and was hurt like that, there’s so many feelings still buried inside you that when they apologize, and you set things straight, like you still see them in that light? They’re still the one that you have feelings for so when the bad stuff is gone, you just feel, you know? And at the end, when they tell you that if you want anything to call them, you're taken aback, shocked, thinking about it, about how it was, how it can be, if it can be again, all of that. But there's a pull. Something there, you know?”

“Yeah, I do. Something like that?” Seungcheol asks.

“Nothing like it. Nothing at all.”

Jihoon raises his eyebrows at him.

“I felt nothing. I didn’t feel good about the apology, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t feel like I had closure. It just happened.”

“Soonyoung...”

“I’m not saying it’s bad. It’s just strange. I used to feel so much for him and now just... nothing.”

“Do you feel something for somebody else? Like Mingyu, or Wonwoo?”

“Nope,” he says, and turns to them, from where he was looking down. “Not like that. I obviously like having them around, and I feel good with them, cause, you know... but not love. I honestly always thought it was because of him that I couldn’t get attached to them. But it’s not him. It’s me. I think I’m broken. Legitimately broken.”

Jihoon tsks, picking up his drink.

“You’re seeing somebody, right? A therapist.”

“Yeah, since I was released.”

“Then bring it up. Make sure to bring it up. I don’t want to mess with you, Soonyoung, but I don’t think you’re broken. You’ve just been through too much.”

* * *

"Can I bring something up?"

"Of course, what do you want to talk about?"

"My ex-boyfriend."

"You never wanted to talk about him, said he was not relevant to what happened. What changed?"

"He's not. I just think he's relevant to me getting better."

"Then go ahead. Tell me everything."

So Soonyoung does. At the end, she looks at him before he leaves.

"Tell someone, Soonyoung. Whoever you'd like, friends, your... friends with benefits. I think you're ready."

* * *

If it was a random evening, they'd mess around a little after dinner, probably fall asleep in Mingyu's bed, if Wonwoo feels like it. But after the week where he's talked longer with her than he ever has, what his therapist said weighs on him, so after dinner, when they're lounging on the couch and in the armchair with wine, Soonyoung bites his lip and gathers his courage.

"Can I... tell you something?"

"Sure, what is it?" Mingyu hears the seriousness in his voice and puts his wine glass down on the coffee table.

"What happened to me. In the army." Mingyu looks at him and nods. From his side, Wonwoo just takes his hand. They know a little bit, but nowhere near the full story.

"It was my regiment. Some of those I lived with were joking once, about gay people, after learning that an idol came out. You know, the usual slurs, the bullshit. I didn't mind, I held it in, cause I was not an idiot. But then one of them somehow realized it and started coming to me. Pushing me in the showers, the slurs, the 'I bet you liked it if I bent you down now and fucked you, huh?' But I didn't really mind that, I couldn't care less. I stood my ground and spat in his face and cursed at him in return.

What got me was the sleeping though... Falling asleep wondering if he told the other guys, and I'd wake up with their hands on me. Or they'd decide to pull a prank that would go wrong, and I wouldn't wake up at all. You know, fireworks under my bed, tripping training equipment to blow up in my face. Stuff that happens and gets covered up. After an actually faulty gun breaking on me, I started getting panic attacks at the littlest of noises, started not being able to sleep." He sees Mingyu grab the chair's arm, his knuckles white from how hard he's gripping it.

"And then it happened when I went to the showers after a panic attack. He got one of his friends from another division and then decided he'd beat some sense into me, but the supervisor was woken up by me shouting, and came to help before much happened. It was because he insisted that I was transferred somewhere else for the last few months that I did; he later told me he had an American boyfriend, and they were raising his child together, and that he couldn't wait to quit so he could start living his life like normal.

It helped back then, but it still wasn't okay. I wasn't okay for a long time. When I came out... remember Hayoon? The girl who works at the reception at my studio? When I called you that night to get me, I was on a date with her. I thought that if this was how my life was going to be if I was gay, kicked out of work pretty much twice, fucked up for a long time, I might as well try, you know? You never know if you don't try." The sarcasm in his voice hurts. "It obviously fucking failed, but... yeah. It got a bit better after that. You helped, really, and I'm sorry for not telling you both for so long, and using you like that."

"God no, please don't apologize," Mingyu says, teary-eyed and a mess, pretty much throwing himself from the armchair to hug Soonyoung, resting at his side. On his other side, Wonwoo's quiet, but he's squeezing their interlocked fingers, processing the information. He knows he's had some not too pleasant experiences from people not accepting his orientation or his feelings towards sex, so he feels bad to trigger him.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't too careful sometimes."

"No, Mingyu. I don't need you to be careful. I need you to treat me like normal," he sighs. In his head, the memory of him telling that to Seokmin in college pops up. The difference is startling.

* * *

 ' _You all better sign up. This is not a yearly tradition for nothing, and I'm drawing names now'_ The text from Jeonghan in the group chat says, and Soonyoung sighs. Has he signed up? Has he not?

He checks, and on the Secret Santa website, he sees his name, and it looks like all of them have signed up. A few seconds later, he gets an email saying the Secret Santas have been picked, so he refreshes the page. Next to Seokmin's name, there's a little Santa hat.

Maybe he is living in a drama.

* * *

He forgets about it until two days before they actually have to meet to give the gifts, when Jeonghan texts when they should be at his house, and that if someone hates spiked eggnog and Christmas cookies, plus a little bit of wine, they better tell him quick, cause that's all he and Joshua will have. It's such a them thing, Soonyoung finds himself chuckling.

It's pretty bad though, because Soonyoung has thought for so long, and he still has no idea what to get Seokmin. He has many thoughts, but none of them seem appropriate anymore. His mother also raised him to be nice to people and get them gifts they'd actually appreciate, and put his effort into them.

So instead of going home, he actually goes to eat jokbal at the little place near his studio. The owner knows him, and she sneaks him some cold noodles too, 'because he looks tired.'

He is tired, but it's been long since he hasn't been. He thanks her kindly, and she coos at him, telling him to eat a lot.

While he's taking bites of the food, he scrolls through gift ideas on his phone. Everything is nice, but it's also strangely impersonal. How could he gift Seokmin an air purifier or fancy bedsheets, or even worse, a gift card? Five minutes after, he gives up, and just resolves to go to a mall near him and browse around.

There's no result even after an hour browsing the stores in the mall. There's some stuff that could be nice, like a scarf, or a self-care pack with some face masks, and bath bombs, and some other stuff. But still, he doesn't know, so he walks around a little more. He enters a clothing store because he remembered he forgot his beanie at a restaurant a few days ago, and he doesn't have one he actually wants to wear. But right when he walks in, on the right, something catches his eye. It's an oversized fluffy black sweater, and it looks just like the one that used to be his favorite from all of Seokmin's clothes. The one that is still somewhere now in the back of his closet. Soonyoung remembers stealing it so many times from Seokmin, washing it just to steal it back, and Seokmin constantly teasing him about it. Afterwards, he wore it so much while Seokmin was in the US, that the fake fur, or whatever it is, is almost worn out.

It's too sentimental, but he can't help it. So he buys it, buys some nice wrapping paper too, and resolves to not think about why this matters so much to him.

* * *

The point of a Secret Santa is apparently not to know who gave it to you, and to try to guess who it is, so Soonyoung walks into Jeonghan and Joshua's apartment, hides the present and subtly puts it under the tree, before he goes to join the people who are already there. Most of them are, as Soonyoung had a late class, so he chooses to settle on the sofa arm, next to Mingyu. Everybody's chatting between themselves, and the atmosphere is so homely, very relaxed and pleasant. He doesn't know what's gotten into him, but when Mingyu puts his hand over his and squeezes it a bit to say hello, Soonyoung leans a little bit and pecks the corner of his mouth. If they were dating it wouldn't be a big deal, but they're not, so even Mingyu looks surprised.

Soonyoung turns around, leans his shoulder a bit more against his so he doesn't fall, and turns to Jeonghan, who's looking at him, of course.

"Jeonghan, where's that eggnog?"

While he's gone to get it, Jun apparently stood up from the couch, because people scoot and he sits down between Mingyu and the sofa arm.

"Where's Wonwoo?" He asks him, curious. He was supposed to be here before him.

"I don't know. He dropped the gift off this morning in my mailbox, said he was not going to make it and I should take it."

Soonyoung won't lie and say he's not concerned. Wonwoo sometimes pulls these things off and either goes to see his family or just doesn't contact them for a while, but he's still concerned when he does.

"Is he at home? We should probably go check on him after." It's the first time he's proposed that any time this happened, and Mingyu just looks at him from the corner of his eye. Wonwoo doesn't really like to be checked on, and Soonyoung really doesn't know what's gotten into him. "True, let's not. I'll just text him later."

Soon enough, it's time to open the gifts, and after Mingyu and Chan do and guess wrong, it's his turn. He opens it and there's a beanie just like the one he lost, as well as a gift card for something that looks like some kind of spa. He knows immediately who it is.

"It's Seungcheol or Jihoon," he chuckles. "'Cause I was with you when I lost it."

"I hope you like it, 'cause it took me so much time to find it in a shop," Seungcheol says, light, and Soonyoung laughs.

"Thank you hyung, I appreciate it a lot." He actually forgot to buy one yesterday, and he really loved this one too, so he's super grateful.

Soon enough, it gets to Seokmin, and he realizes right when he picks it up what an idiot he is. Of course he'll know immediately, and then he'll say it with everyone around, and he already knows what kind of looks he'll get. He meticulously tears the wrapping paper cleanly, but it rings so loud in Soonyoung's head.

Seokmin pulls the sweater carefully after, and his mouth opens a little.

"Oh. Soonyoung," he exclaims immediately in surprise, a bit quiet, not even looking at him. Soonyoung wants to bury himself under the table. "Is this the...?" His eyes meet Soonyoung's across the room.

"No, it's another one. I just... saw it."

"Oh, thank you," he says, still a bit surprised.

It's so awkward. Everybody's silent, so besides the Christmas music playing in the background, their conversation is the only thing that's audible, and when they fall silent, it's like everybody's frozen, waiting for something. He's such an idiot.

Seokmin turns to Seungkwan, who quickly moves to look for his own present on the table and picks it up, but god is it awkward. Soonyoung can't meet anyone's eyes, nonetheless Mingyu's, who shifts a little next to him.

A bit later on, when they're done with presents and just chatting again, Soonyoung listening in to one of Jun's ridiculously funny stories, Mingyu nudges him.

"Wonwoo texted us. Did you see it?"

"Oh, my phone's dead. What did he say?"

"He's at home, if we want to bring him his present. Off-limits, though."

He considers it for a second.

"Sure. I have my car though, did you also drive?"

"Yeah. Drop it off at my place if you want, and stay over. I can drive us to his apartment."

"Okay, let's do that."

They say bye to everyone when they leave, and Soonyoung catches Seokmin's eyes for a second. He smiles at him, and Soonyoung sort of smiles back, the corner of his mouth lifting.

* * *

"You're off, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just..."

"Seokmin?"

"I guess. I don't even know."

"You know you can talk to me about this stuff, right?"

"Yeah, I do. I just don't know if I want to talk about it, if there's even anything to talk about."

"I'm here for you if there is."

"Thank you, Mingyu."

* * *

"I'll move in with you."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I don't think I can do this status quo anymore."

Mingyu waits until they're at a stoplight to turn to him, leaning over and kissing him, a long peck on the lips, and pulls away, smiling.

"When you quit, I'll throw a party."

"Good to know."

* * *

That night, he can't sleep again. He's happy he can finally do something about the job he hates and try to pursue something he's actually interested in, but alas. Mingyu was respectful of what he said, but even if he said he still doesn't want a relationship, isn't this what this is anyway?

He's going to probably sleep with Mingyu even more often now, because he's just there and of course Soonyoung is attracted to him, let's not lie. And then they'll sleep in the same bed, Mingyu will wake up early, make him breakfast before he goes to work. Soonyoung will probably kiss him when he leaves because he has classes later than Mingyu has work. And then when he'll come home, they'll either cook or order delivery, eat together, meet Wonwoo and hang out together, maybe sleep together again, if Wonwoo's feeling up to it. If Mingyu goes on a business trip, of course he's going to miss him, so when he comes back, he'll probably kiss him right as he walks through the door, like they're married.

It's fucked up, but it's practically still a relationship. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

And plus, he practically kissed Mingyu today in front of all of his friends. He still doesn't know why he did it, basically confirming to everyone that they're a thing, but it's frustrating to not even know what he wants. It should be so easy, to tell him this is it and they should actually call it what it is, but he can't. He just can't.

* * *

A bit more than a week before Christmas, he finishes cleaning up the studio late on Saturday, as he volunteered to help until he had plans to hang out with Mingyu later in the evening. His phone starts vibrating in his pocket, and when he picks it up, Jeonghan's name flashes on the screen.

"Yup, what's up, hyung?"

"Are you done with work?"

"Yes, finally. Why?"

"The usual Saturday fair in Hangang Park is replaced with a special Christmas fair tonight, so I wondered if you want to join us. We're heading there in an hour."

He didn't eat much today and he's tired, but he doesn't have any plans and Mingyu probably isn't back yet, so he says yes, planning to stop by at the restaurant for dinner.

"Sure, I'll come. Who else is coming?

"Only me because Jisoo is busy, Chan and his girlfriend, Seungkwan with Vernon, and Seokmin. Is that okay?"

So basically two couples except him and Seokmin, and Jeonghan, who's going to make it awkward as hell. His eyes roll, but he already said yes, he'll live.

"Sure. I'll text you with where I park, and see you there."

"See you Soonyoungie."

He eats dinner as always, the ahjumma making conversation with him so he doesn't get bored. She says he looks like he's in love, but the painful kind. He's so shocked she can tell he basically admits it, and she tells him it's almost Christmas, so the magic of it will help him sort it out. He doesn't know about that, but...

When he gets to the fair and finds everyone, they walk around for a while, catching up and chatting. He buys some stuff for his mom and sister because they're coming to see him before Christmas. His father and he aren't alright enough again for him to spend holidays at home, after he found out that since he came back from the army, Soonyoung still didn't give his "lifestyle" up. They're getting better, but not good enough to spend days in the presence of each other. Soonyoung is too proud to give himself up and please his father by saying yes to everything he says, so alas.

Soon enough, Seungkwan and Vernon have to go, and since they drove Chan and his girlfriend, they take them too. Jeonghan stays for a bit more, but then Joshua calls him and says he's done with work, and he doesn't know why, but he doesn't also leave. He found something he maybe wants to buy for his older sister and her husband, so he says he wants to go back and browse a little more.

He doesn't realize Seokmin didn't leave either, but soon enough, it's just them. It's awkward, but he kind of doesn't mind it. The market is so beautiful, the lights, the people, and the Christmas music playing really building a holiday atmosphere. Not even he and Seokmin being alone can spoil his mood.

So they chat, about things around them, random stuff they've done, their lives, and Soonyoung even finds himself laughing at some funny audition stories Seokmin has. It's... nice. He impulse buys some gingerbread cookies they share because he's seen them in American movies, and they're good, the taste lingering in his mouth. When they sit somewhere to eat them, he realizes how cold he actually is, and how thin his coat is. Seokmin takes a look at him and takes off the bright yellow scarf around his neck, putting it around Soonyoung's.

He'd say no, god is this dangerous, but it's warm and comfortable... and it smells like Seokmin, the subtle but amazing perfume he uses that he knows Soonyoung likes, a bit like the spices from the tea he had before too. It's the worst, the absolute worst, so he can't help nuzzle himself into it, just a little bit.

He doesn't realize how late it is until vendors start packing up and he looks at his watch, seeing it's already 10. Mingyu's probably waiting for him, so they start walking to where he parked his car, somewhere further away. The park is not all lit up, and all of a sudden, when Seokmin stops, Soonyoung more hears it than sees it.

It's so cliché when he turns around, the falling snowflakes, the lights of the market behind him, the dark, peaceful atmosphere. Seokmin's yellow scarf around Soonyoung's neck, the taste in his mouth of the gingerbread cookies.

"Soonyoung..." he starts, his voice a bit raw, a bit slow, but also so confident. "Is there really nothing for you anymore? Because fuck, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all these years and I came back as soon I was able to because I couldn't. I know I handled everything wrong, but it's not because I don't love you."

A few years ago's Soonyoung would've crumbled at hearing these words from Seokmin. Now, he thinks of Wonwoo and Mingyu, of everything that twisted his life these three years and... he just can't. Seokmin didn't hurt him per se so he doesn't need to forgive him, but he left him when Soonyoung needed him most.

"Seokmin." It's so painfully obvious it's not a no.

"Can I ask you something? Please say no if you don't want to."

Like he doesn't know what Seokmin will ask.

"Sure."

"Can I kiss you?"

The word 'no' is stuck in his throat. If he says it, he knows all of this would be over and he can go back to the life he had before Seokmin came back. It's just that it's only recently that he realized how much Seokmin intervened in everything since he returned, even if without meaning to. Most of the things he's done that twisted his life, even if all Soonyoung, have somehow been because of him. So if he says no, he doesn't know if he can live with not knowing what could happen.

So he nods, just once. Seokmin's eyes are glistening, and he takes one step, two steps to reach Soonyoung. His warm hands cup Soonyoung's ice cold cheeks; he's just radiating warmth, from his hands to the eyes staring into Soonyoung's. The waiting before he leans in makes Soonyoung's heart stop beating, makes him freeze in place.

And then his lips touch Soonyoung's, as warm as all of him, and it's like he unfreezes, his hands immediately taking their place around Seokmin's neck.

He kisses like he always has, intense and powerful, like he's giving himself to you, and asking you to give yourself in turn. It's so overwhelming in an instant, like all the memories and the history come back to him, so he breaks the kiss, hands on Seokmin's shoulder pushing him away. If this goes on, he doesn't know what he'll do.

He untangles the scarf from his neck, handing it back to Seokmin.

"You can keep it," he says.

"No," Soonyoung says with conviction, so Seokmin takes it, just holding it in his hands. "I'll take you home."

"No, it's okay, I'll take the subway. Thanks, Soonie. I'll see you around," he says and turns around, putting the scarf around his neck while he walks. Soonyoung stands there like an idiot, with the nickname in his mind and the ghost of the feeling still on his lips.

Of course Seokmin knew that if he kissed him, Soonyoung would crumble, but it's Soonyoung's fault here that he let him get into his head. It's all Soonyoung's fault for messing up everyone in his life.

When he gets to his and Mingyu's apartment, Mingyu's on the couch, looking on his laptop. Soonyoung doesn't need to say anything for Mingyu to look at him and realize something's wrong, getting up from the couch to hug him.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I fucked up, Mingyu."

He tells him, because if he's an idiot, he should be one until the end. He tells him about the fair, how everyone else left until it was just them, for some reason, how they decided to still keep going because they only had a few stalls left. About what Seokmin's said to him, about the kiss, and how he's just so confused because he was so convinced he felt nothing, but he just got reminded of everything and he doesn't know how to deal with it, if it even means anything. He's always stood by the decision that when you break up with someone it's for a reason, and the past never matters in things like these, but now that it does, he's _so confused._

Mingyu looks... it breaks Soonyoung to say this, but he looks hurt. He's trying to hide it, so they don't overstep whatever fucking boundaries they might have had left, but he is hurt. Of course Soonyoung manages to bulldoze through whatever feelings people have, ending up fucking up everyone around him.

"Soonyoung... look," Mingyu starts. "We all know that it's gone way past beyond sex for us, so I don't want to pressure you, but I think you need to make your choice. I want you, and even if Wonwoo doesn't say it, he does too. We're willing to wait, but I don't think you're okay with waiting. If you want to be able to cleanly move forward, you need to define the relationships and the things you want, because this is killing you."

Mingyu's always been so patient with him, it's the first time he's ever said something like this. But he's so right, he's so right, Soonyoung never was and still is not the type to live with uncertainty. He needs certain goals, the ability to move forward, and nothing in his path for him to, but instead lately, all he's put in front of himself is obstacles.

So then what's his choice? Is it Mingyu and Wonwoo, who have been here for him through the toughest parts of his life, who have helped him pick up whatever strands of his life he's had, get settled and finally do what he wants in his personal life, but in a relationship he seems to not be able to move forward? Or is it Seokmin, with who he was able to truly become himself, gain confidence in who he is, but with who he also became so messed up he drove himself down?

Three days of legitimately just thinking don't help, so when he has time, he calls Seungcheol.

* * *

"Hyung, I need your help with something."

"What's up?" Soonyoung settles in the coffee shop armchair, his steaming coffee in his hands. He looks like Soonyoung's savior.

"Back then, when you had to make a choice between your girlfriend and Jihoon, when you broke up with her before pursuing him, what made you do it?"

"Why are you asking me? Not in a mean way, just to know what to tell you."

"I have a decision to make too, I think. And I don't know what's the right one."

"You and Seokmin had something since he came back, right?" Soonyoung nods as it's pointless to deny it, and Seungcheol hums, shifting in his chair.

"I really did love her, 'cause we had been together for a long time. And I am 100% the one at fault in that relationship, because after I met Jihoon, I was the one to fall for him and fuck up. The reason I did it is because I really didn't see a future if I stayed with her. From what I saw, something had already happened that was going to be on my mind for as long as we would be together, and sooner or later, it would probably break anyway. So why would I stay in a relationship that I felt was doomed, instead of going after something that I felt could be something better than that? I was an idiot, but I was young, and I was able to take risks then that I don't know if I'd be able to take today, not that I'll ever want someone else ever again. So maybe it's just because I didn't love her enough, so it was easy to fall for Jihoon."

Soonyoung bites his lip, settling deeper into the chair.

"But I don't think you can relate too much to this, right? It's different for you. Tell me."

"I kind of can... It's just that, with Mingyu and Wonwoo, it's good. They've helped me so much, hyung, I'd still be lost if they weren't there for me. But... there's always been something that kept me from just pushing it further. I started with it being sex, and I still can't get used to the fact that it isn't, or isn't supposed to be anymore.

With Seokmin... it's been more than 6 years since we met, hyung, but we were more off than on for these years. So when we broke up back then, I thought it would be for good. I was miserable for a while, but then after the army and everything with Mingyu and Wonwoo, I thought I'd moved on 'cause I didn't feel anything for him anymore, and he broke up with me, so..." he huffs. "But it wasn't actually moving on, I just buried those feelings under everything else I buried and thought they were gone. So now that he's back and I'm trying to dig up everything that was messed up, and get my life together again, get my goals and my motivation and everything, I think I dug up those feelings too. He helped me become a better person in that time we were together, but I'm not sure whether these feelings that I have now are really for him or just simply a leftover from how intense it was and how much I felt for him."

"Wow," Seungcheol says, tilting his head at what Soonyoung's just laid on him. "So if you make one choice or another, what do you think?"

"If I stay with Mingyu and Wonwoo, and try to pursue a relationship, I'm afraid it'll be like you. That I won't be able to actually drop Seokmin from my mind and it'll be doomed anyway because I'll be practically emotionally cheating from the start, so it won't go anywhere. But if I get back together with Seokmin, what guarantee do I have that while he tours or I tour, because we work in places that require us to be apart, or while he has to go to the army, we won't break up again? And I honestly don't know if I can do it one more time."

"I don't want to make it more difficult for you, but first, what if both you and Seokmin matured? And you go in with different expectations, and instead of something that intense, you'll manage to take it slower and bear the time apart, since you're both more individually settled now. And then what if you get with Mingyu and Wonwoo and you'll eventually be able to forget Seokmin?"

"Hyung," Soonyoung whines, dropping his head on the table. "You're not helping."

"I'm sorry, Soonyoungie," he chuckles, patting his head. "What I'm saying is there seems to be no good or bad answer, so just go with what you feel."

Soonyoung raises one eyebrow at him. "Hyung, I called you because you are exactly the one person that wouldn't do that."

Seungcheol chuckles again, and settles back into his chair. "You're right. Your heart can change so easily, I'd make a rational decision too."

"So then what's the rational decision?"

"Honestly... probably staying with Mingyu and Wonwoo. Seokmin just came back and messed up your life, but if he tours, he'll probably leave again, right? Maybe when you're more settled too, you'd be able to actually have a good relationship with them and forget him. Plus, you pretty much kissed Mingyu at the secret Santa thing, so I thought you were already there."

"Don't remind me," Soonyoung whines, hiding his face with his hands. "It's just... I don't think it's that easy with them either. Wonwoo doesn't necessarily want a relationship either if things go like this, so me getting into one with Mingyu might prove too much for him, so I'd have to wait too. And if I know that I want a relationship but I'd have to wait, then I won't be "settled" 'cause that's me, and it'd just be a mess again."

"Why does it sound to me like you're making excuses?" Seungcheol tilts his head like he's searching him.

"What?"

"You know that thing when you tell people about two options, and when they say one, you find out what you actually want by your reaction to them picking it? When I told you should probably go with them, you started making excuses." Soonyoung's eyes bulge at him. Did he really?

"What if I tell you you should say fuck it and go with Seokmin, and just deal with the issues as they arise?"

Soonyoung keeps quiet.

"I'd maybe be hurt again, but..." He pauses. But what?

Seungcheol smirks at him. "Soonyoungie... you already made your decision."

"Like that though, hyung? I worked to get my life together, to move on with everything after he fucked up and left me, and now he comes back, tells me he still loves me, and I drop everything for him?"

"Stranger things have happened, and you're not dropping much for him, you're still you," Seungcheol says, raising his eyebrows. "I know pride is a big deal Soonyoungie, but rational decisions aren't about pride or the past, they're also about what's best for you in the future. You take the past and use what you have to see what's the best decision you can take at this point in time."

"What about what's best for others? Mingyu... does have feelings for me. Even if he says he doesn't, and I think Wonwoo does too. I'd be messing up people that helped me to go back to someone that hurt me."

"You don't owe them anything because they helped you, Soonyoungie. That's not how relationships work. We all enter relationships with the expectation of happiness, but we are also ready to be hurt. It's the price we pay for being happy, even for a while, that's what makes life beautiful. If you stay with them because of guilt, Soonyoungie, it will be even worse. If you truly have feelings for them, it's different, but all that you've said tells me you still have reservations, which means your feelings aren't there yet. It's been so long, they probably won't ever be if they're not there now."

"Still... I don't want to see them hurt."

"Someone will get hurt anyway. And who knows, you might finally push them towards each other. They're pretty much meant to be, we all know that." And Soonyoung's always been the third wheel. The third wheel that fit in a little bit, but...

"Hyung... thank you so much," he says honestly, looking at Seungcheol. "You've helped so much."

"I'm here anytime you need someone to help you make a rational decision, Soonyoungie," he winks, and Soonyoung chuckles.

* * *

On the way to his and Mingyu's apartment, he turns the radio on. His and Mingyu's apartment... thank god he didn't fully move in yet, because he wouldn't dream to do that to him. Looks like he's going to have to work harder to earn his rent, or maybe look into another cheaper apartment.

He turns the radio up, trying not to think about it any longer and calm down, and the song changes.

_One kiss is all it takes, falling in love with me_

He can't help but laugh. Truly one kiss, and Seokmin was able to turn his world upside down again. Fucking hell.

* * *

Wonwoo's there when he gets back, which tells him fate has made this the right time, no matter how much he might not believe in it. Wonwoo takes one look at him sitting down on the couch, with the silence and his expression, how he's trying to gather his thoughts.

"It's over, isn't it? You've made your decision."

Mingyu turns to him, eyes wide.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You need to do what you need to do, you don't owe us an explanation," Wonwoo says, fiddling with his fingers.

"I still want to give you one. Can I?"

Mingyu goes and sits down next to Wonwoo on the other side of the large couch. Soonyoung tucks himself with his back to the other arm of the sofa.

"I care a lot about you two. Like a lot. But... has it ever felt to you, no matter how good it could be, that something was wrong? Maybe it was just me feeling like I got between you two, but it felt like I tried to fit a puzzle piece where it seemed like it worked but it didn't really, and I couldn't pull it back because it was stuck." He thought a lot about this metaphor.

"I care about you because you are amazing people, and you've made my life amazing too, but I don't think I fit in between you. I don't believe in things that are "right" or "wrong", but I think you've grown in a way that makes you perfect for each other, and I honestly also don't want to be the excuse that allows you to not be like that." Seungcheol was right... if he manages to use this to finally push them together, maybe he's overstepping, but after all these months, he's learned a lot about how they work.

"Even putting _him_ aside and everything, I don't want to feel wrong, and I don't want you to feel wrong. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you, but..."

He feels tears well up in his eyes, and when he looks at Mingyu, he sees the same thing, but he finally feels at peace. That's what tells him that somewhere here, he stumbled upon the right thing to do.

"It's okay hyung," Mingyu says. He feels so sorry for him.

"I'm so sorry Mingyu, because you had to be the one to get us together. The mature one in all of this." That's when he starts crying, his face twisting and words coming harder through the tears. "I'm sorry I relied so much on you, I'm so sorry that I took everything you gave me and... was not able to give anything back."

His eyes turn to Wonwoo, and feels he will cry even harder.

"I'm sorry that I made you trust me, and open up to me, and I was not able to give you the same level of openness back. I'm sorry you had to tell me so many times that I was not coming between you and yet I didn't believe it."

Wonwoo doesn't cry, but even so, even if it's right, why does he feel like he's breaking everyone's heart anyway?

"Anyway..." he wipes his tears with the back of his hand. "If you want me to go I'll go, and I won't come back until you want me to."

"No, hyung," Mingyu says again, and Soonyoung sees he's gripping Wonwoo's hand, but he leans to him. "Just stay."

He shouldn't, but he does, because he's a terrible person. He stays and of course they sleep together, him between them one more time.

When he wakes up and has to go to his class, Mingyu's still asleep, but Wonwoo's in the kitchen, drinking coffee.

"Don't you ever think you're getting rid of me. Sleeping together or not, we're still friends, Kwon Soonyoung, so don't fucking dare stop calling or bullshit."

He chuckles and hugs Wonwoo.

"Thank you. You too," he answers. "Also, get your shit together and date him already."

"We'll see," Wonwoo says, and Soonyoung just hopes they'll be okay. If karma still has one good thing for him somewhere there, he sends a message in his mind to her to give that to them. 

* * *

He doesn't text him, and Seokmin doesn't contact him in turn, which he knows is because he's trying to let Soonyoung do it first. It feels a bit cruel, what he's doing to him, but he also knows he lets Soonyoung call the shots because he's afraid of also pushing him too much and Soonyoung getting too annoyed and letting go.

That's how he'd feel if he was him. He and Soonyoung are kind of strangers now, after all, don't know much about how the other is anymore. Even if still loves him, Soonyoung doesn't fool himself in thinking there's more than past feelings between them now. He's just willing to risk it for the sake of those.

Relearning each other will have to be the first thing they do, and probably the hardest.  
  
But once Soonyoung's gotten something in his mind, he can't stop thinking about it. He's a whole grown man, but Seokmin still manages to make him feel like he's in college, with the bad and the good of it. So his thoughts and his hesitations only last two days before he texts Seokmin.

_'Are you free tonight? Get dinner with me.'_

* * *

When Seokmin walks into the restaurant, Soonyoung sees him before Seokmin does, and his palms immediately start sweating. He's so nervous for literally no reason; he knows Seokmin wants him, he's decided he does too, and he shouldn't be.

But before he can gather himself, Seokmin is just sitting down in front of him. He's so happy they got a table a bit tucked away, the low, red lighting giving everything a sense of mellowness, and it's so romantic it's so obvious what Soonyoung wants to say. Maybe he chose something a bit more upscale too, but that's nobody's business.

"Hi," Seokmin smiles at him, and he's in such a good mood. Soonyoung smiles back, and immediately after, a waitress comes to their table. Soonyoung orders wine as a bit of liquid courage, or because just something to do with his hands will help.

They chat a little bit more before they order food, which comes surprisingly quickly considering it's Western food, and so Soonyoung can put off what he wants to say for a while longer. When his steak is done though, he has to brave it. Seokmin tangles his fingers and looks at him, with a smile that says he's expecting what Soonyoung has to say.

"Look... I thought a lot. I'm sorry I left you hanging."

"Don't. Don't apologize. I said you don't owe me anything."

"I know, but still... I didn't want to leave things in a status quo like that." Seokmin looks like he wants to stop him from taking the blame again, but Soonyoung just talks.

"Many, many things have happened since you left, since we... broke up. It will take me so long to tell you what fucked up shit has happened and I did, and I got messed up in the process, a little bit. I'm still not fine yet, but at least I think I've learned to love myself even with that hanging on. So... when you came back, I was still a bit uncertain about my feelings, or who I even was. You coming back helped me maybe face some things which I had to face, from before. I've brought many of my insecurities, my anxiety, and my lack of motivation, and a lot of other stuff to my therapist, and at some point, you had to come up." Seokmin cringes a little bit, a small movement that tells him he was struck by the admission and Soonyoung bites his lip in nervousness.

"The truth is, I don't think it was because of you leaving that I kind of lost myself after finishing college. I had too much pressure on me, and when I fell short after getting kicked out of the studio I worked with again, nothing could help. Not even connections with BTS, not the work I did with them, nothing could make me feel better about myself. And so, I put a lot of pressure on you. I know you felt guilty by not being there for me, but Seokmin, you weren't supposed to. You were going towards your own goals, and I forgot how that felt, so I demanded too much, and that's my fault. Don't say it's not true." He stops Seokmin from undoubtedly trying to say something with a hand gesture telling him not to start. "Even if we had been together for 3 years or so, and had already been through shit together, still, it was too much. Even when you think things are finally going well, life brings you down again, and you have to relearn and get over that.

What I'm trying to say now is that basically, I think if there's something I just feel like I figured out, is how to get over stuff myself. And that doesn't mean being alone; it just means knowing how much help to accept and how to let it consciously influence you for you to get better. If I didn't feel like I knew that, I wouldn't have texted you. But even if I think in the future we still will have shit to deal with, I think I have myself together enough by now to be able to not let it break us. So... if you still want me after I tell you everything, I'd like to give us another chance too."

Seokmin smiles, that wide, bright smile that can light up a room and not only, and Soonyoung can't help but smile back, his face scrunching so he doesn't let himself cry.

"I'll want anyway, but thank you. For telling me that... God, I have so many things to tell you too, so much I have learned too," he nods, and his hand finds Soonyoung's on the table. "I probably haven't gone through as much stuff as you did, but I had the time to think a lot. And for me, I think I've finally reached that balance between myself and someone I'm with too, so this is why I could come back and ask you for a chance again."

"You don't have to ask me for a chance, Seokminnie," he chuckles. "It wasn't your fault, seriously. We had different ways to deal with issues, and we were far away, so it was hard. That's it."

There's something he realizes then, huffing. "We've always said that we'll be more honest with each other, and then it's still misunderstandings that mess us up, right? Different expectations of each other."

"Can we not do that anymore?"

"We can," Soonyoung chuckles. "Let's."

* * *

 

Seokmin tangles Soonyoung's fingers with his on the way to the car, and has he missed that... simple hand-holding, things like that, that feel so good and so right again.

He drives Seokmin home, and when a Christmas song starts playing on the radio, Seokmin turns to him. Soonyoung can feel his eyes on him.

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

"Oh... I guess nothing," he shrugs. "Everybody has plans with families or with each other, so I'll probably just hang around at home, maybe cook something nice, I don't know."

"Wait, you're kidding," Seokmin gasps audibly. "Your family?"

"My father and I... are not having the best of relationships right now."

"Oh... I see. Again?"

"Yeah. Long story, I'll tell it to you later." Long story is that his mother has the code to his apartment, she decided to use it with his father to drop off some damn kimchi when he didn't answer his phone and they were in Seoul, like they do a lot, which he hates, and they walked into Mingyu in boxers in his living room. But he has to approach the Mingyu and Wonwoo subject first so...

"Spend Christmas with me," he says all of a sudden, and Soonyoung turns to him. "And my family, but..."

"No, Seokmin... It's okay, I don't mind."

"Please. Seriously, my parents actually liked you. A lot. I am so close to convincing them that it's not a phase, and that we're... really together, and they don't mind."

"I don't want to bother you, it's really fine."

"No, it's not. Honesty, right? It's not, and if the only reason you're saying no is that you don't want to bother my family or something like that, don't. If you genuinely don't want to because it's too fast, okay, tell me then."

"No, it's really not that."

"Okay then. You are." He can't help but chuckle at how stubborn Seokmin seems to have gotten. He didn't really mind spending Christmas alone, but maybe it would've been just a little bit sad.

* * *

Seokmin’s parents aren’t necessarily happy to see him, even though they try, but Soonyoung understands them. Your college-aged son bringing his boyfriend home is a thing, but your 25-year old son with a career bringing the same boyfriend home for Christmas even though they were broken up has a... different meaning.

Even if Seokmin and he might care about it or not, relationships starting at their age have a certain expectation of permanence. Especially when the other subject of it has been present for around six years in their son’s life, and is again staring them in the face after three years apart. Seokmin’s come back and returned to him pretty much right away, so they can’t fool themselves that he’s a phase anymore.

So it hangs around, a little bit. Seokmin's extended family is there too, or at least the ones that haven't banished him when he came out, and so he's not ashamed of calling Soonyoung his boyfriend. Before, he wouldn't have agreed to that after pretty much three whole ass days of maybe being together again, but it's different now. Even if they're different, it's still them. Seokmin and Soonyoung.

And it feels good, being able to hold his hand and drink wine with his parents and chill around and have the whole Christmas atmosphere. They sing carols too, and he gets where Seokmin's voice is from, because his mother _can sing._

After the whole dinner is done, the dishes are put away, and the guests leave, Seokmin goes to call some of the family who's not here and Soonyoung just waits in the kitchen, with a glass of wine and texting with his friends with Christmas updates. They're all shocked to see him spend it with Seokmin, as he expected. There will be a lot of explanations he'll have to give but...

Right when he's about to text Jeonghan who's bombarded him with passive-aggressive questions that all eventually sound like 'I told you so', Seokmin's mom walks in the kitchen and sits down across from him.

"I wanted to talk to you a little bit."

"Of course," he answers politely. "First of all though, thank you again for having me. It's been lovely and it matters a lot."

"Nobody should be alone for Christmas. And we're glad to have you here too." Soonyoung smiles, playing with the stem of his wine glass.

"Thank you."

"I wanted to talk to you a little bit about you and my son. I know we haven't been the most welcoming and warmest of parents for him, and for you as well, and I'd like to apologize for that. We've always been very busy, and we always thought that he was... like that since we didn't give him enough attention when he was young or even now." Soonyoung sighs, as that's a story he's heard too many times. What else did we need to do so he doesn't turn out like that? "But having him away and him coming back has put things into perspective for us a little bit more. He's matured away from us, and the difference is startling."

"It is startling for me too," he pitches in, because it is. Even if Seokmin is still energetic and excited and a lot, he's also more confident in himself, even more powerful with his presence than before. It's a wonderful sight to see, something that fills up and lightens the room wherever he goes. Soonyoung feels proud to be able to see it, and like before, it gives him a little bit of strength, confidence.

"I see... and even if we liked it or not, as we didn't, you had a part in this as well. And I'll be honest with you, I don't necessarily want for him some of the paths he is taking, with his career, relationships too. But I've learned it's not my business to choose for him. It is my business to help him be happy with his path. So even if I don't like it, I still want to support him, and if you will be together, you too. Thank you for giving your relationship one more chance, because I can tell it makes him better. And don't give up, no matter what. I am here whenever you want to complain about him or ask for advice," his mother smiles, and Soonyoung chuckles.

"Thank you very much, I am very grateful. I'll make sure to do that."

"Take my number from Seokminnie and text me with whatever you might need, anytime. Welcome to the family, dear," she says, placing a hand on his shoulder before she leaves the kitchen. Soonyoung'd be lying if he said he didn't tear up just a little bit.

* * *

"Did my mom scare you?" Seokmin asks from above him, Soonyoung straining to look up at him from where his head is resting on Seokmin's thighs. His parents have gone to somewhere in the countryside for the last day of Christmas, so it's just him and Seokmin in the whole massive apartment, with a forgotten Christmas movie still playing on TV.

"When?"

"When she came to talk to you in the kitchen two days ago."

"Oh no, quite the opposite. She just wanted to tell me too that she's okay with us, I guess. And that I should take her number from you in case I need it," he winks, and Seokmin full-on laughs, shaking under Soonyoung's head. "Seriously though, she even said welcome to the family. I nearly cried, I'm serious."

"I'm glad," he says, his hand making his way through Soonyoung's hair. It's so comforting, he loves it. 

"Thank you so much. This Christmas was perfect."

"You had fun? Even with my weird family?"

"Like I don't have a weird family too," Soonyoung huffs. "Yes, I did, so much. Thank you, seriously." 

"Anytime. You're welcome anytime." 

The desire to kiss Seokmin is suddenly so strong, that he can't help but lift a hand to pull him down by the neck, lifting himself up too to reach him. It's awkward and uncomfortable, but god has he missed this. Seokmin deepens the kiss until he literally can't hold himself up anymore, so he breaks it, getting up from the couch, straddling Seokmin's thighs with his hands on his shoulders. The look Seokmin gives him then makes him shudder, like he can't hide his hunger, his want. Fuck this. 

He forgets it all, that it's been less than a week, that they have unresolved issues, that it's this and that. Instead, he loses himself on the feeling of Seokmin's hands on him, so familiar; he still knows where to touch him, how hard to grab him, how to kiss him, pointed and powerful so that Soonyoung remembers how much Seokmin turns him on. 

"Is this okay? I don't want to pressure you," Seokmin breaks the kiss to whisper in the small space between their lips. 

"Trust me, you're not pressuring me into anything. I want you."

"Okay," Seokmin whispers and picks him up, Soonyoung letting out a yelp at how he's suddenly lifted off of the couch, his hands tangling behind Seokmin's neck. He's put on a lot of muscle and a lot of mass over the years, but Seokmin doesn't seem to be having any difficulties with picking him up, so he must've worked out himself. 

When they reach his room, Seokmin literally drops him on his bed, and he bounces a little bit. Despite how heavy the moment is and how much it turns him on to see Seokmin hovering over him like that, he can't help but laugh a little. 

"What's up?" Seokmin asks, smiling too, crawling to make his way between Soonyoung's thighs. 

"I don't know. It was just funny, how you dropped me."

"It was, wasn't it?" Seokmin says, and Soonyoung chuckles when Seokmin kisses him again, smiling into it. That's what he's missed, these easy-going, fun times that don't leave him thinking about more than that, about what he's thinking and what's going on. 

"How do you want to do it?" Seokmin asks while kissing down his neck, and Soonyoung has to really focus to think about it. 

"Wanna ride you," he answers, his hand tugging on Seokmin's hair, pulling him up and switching their positions so he straddles Seokmin again, his back to the headboard. He loves this position, loves being able to kiss his partner and press himself against them. 

"Where's the stuff?"

"Top drawer to your right." Soonyoung untangles himself from Seokmin to open the drawer, lube and an unopened box of condoms right in the front. 

"Did you stock up?"

"Would you mind if I said I did?"

"You'd be an idiot if you hadn't," he chuckles and pulls the stuff out. He'd love to take Seokmin without a condom, but... it's been a long time. 

Soon enough, he's grinding on three of Seokmin's fingers, the sensation so good. Like he remembers, Seokmin's so good with his hands, his long fingers reaching all the right spots, leaving Soonyoung a trembling, whining mess in his lap. 

"I'm ready, please," he whispers to Seokmin, desperate. Soonyoung wants to feel him so bad, the sensation burning inside of him. With trembling hands, he rolls the condom down on Seokmin's cock, who moans a little bit too, and adds more lube. Seokmin's hands on his hips keep him from doing too much, letting him slide down slowly, until he feels every inch of Seokmin inside him. His lips on Soonyoung's neck, taking away his attention until he adjusts, the hands running over his waist, his chest pressing into Soonyoung's, it's all so much, he can barely believe it. 

"Oh," Seokmin moans when Soonyoung moves a little, his lips trailing his jaw. "Soonie..." he whispers, and the simple sound of his name in Seokmin's rough voice is enough to send a spark of pleasure through Soonyoung, moving more intently in Seokmin's lap. 

Seokmin's hands on his jaw and his neck, his slow kisses, ground him down when he feels like he loses himself in the frenzy of it all, make him calm down and actually enjoy the feeling. Seokmin moves him so slow, until instead of feeling like he's burning where he touches him, Soonyoung feels the intensity of it all. Maybe it's hours or maybe it's seconds while the pleasure builds with Seokmin's low whispers in his ear, of how good he is for him and how much he's missed him. It might be stuff he's heard before, but this time, he can believe it, let himself free for him. 

When he comes, he lets go, the pleasure making him like he's floating, and Seokmin is not far behind him, his hands probably leaving marks on Soonyoung's hips from how hard he's gripping him, and he can't help but moan once again at the feeling. 

It's been so long since they've been together that Soonyoung is not surprised that they didn't last long, but that means nothing. Later, when they've showered and they're laying in Seokmin's bed doing nothing, just chatting, he thinks that they have so much time now, that there's no rush. No rush for anything. And even if it's not perfect, even if it's not all that he thinks of it, he's learned it's not the moments in themselves, but the accumulation of them, the feelings that he doesn't see, that truly make the difference. And so, he stops overthinking and just lets it be.

* * *

“What’s up? You said you had stuff to do tonight,” Seokmin says right as he enters his apartment, shuffling the snow from his coat.

“I do, but fuck it. I got a promotion! And I wanted to celebrate with you and home-cooked dinner, not my usual take-out. Which means you’ll be cooking and I’ll be assisting, but anyway.”

“Congratulations!” Seokmin almost shouts, hugging him tight. “What is it?”

“The big boss said there’s a managing position available that they have an interim person in, in staff and recruiting, basically finding new talents and then organizing the training for them. Since I took a lot of business courses in college, I’ll work as a director for a while, to learn it all and get the hang of it, and maybe advance next year. It’s still full-time and more than choreographing, so I’m really happy.”

“You deserve it so much, god,” Seokmin hugs him again, swaying from side to side. “So, so much, congratulations.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles from where he’s buried his face in Seokmin’s warm sweater. He’s wearing the one from Soonyoung, the black fuzzy one, which makes him smile.

“There’s one thing though. _I have to learn English,_ ” he says, his accent probably so terrible Seokmin chuckles.

“ _I’ll teach you,_ ” he responds, his accent almost perfect. Makes sense.

“Will you really?”

“Of course. I can find books and set goals and give you homework and practice with you.”

“Thank you,” he smiles at Seokmin, and then a strange sound from the kitchen reminds him he started boiling something. “Now come save this meal.”

While Seokmin stirs the stew on the cooktop, Soonyoung wraps his hands around him and hugs him from behind.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything.”

Seokmin turns around in his arms, and puts his hands gently on Soonyoung’s cheeks.

“Thank you too. And... I love you.”

“I love you too,” Soonyoung answers, and now, even if he's still wondering about their future, uncertain about how things can be, at least he's sure that he can fully give himself to their relationship. And that might be the most important thing.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for reading and for going with me through this journey again! I hope that even if you read this since chapter 1 of the first part or just started, you enjoy it anyway! If you've just read this and want to go back and read the "prequels", I hope you like them too! (But also maybe stop reading this author's note because I guess I'm spoiling.) 
> 
> This story was both the easiest and the hardest to write. The hardest because it's taken me months to write it, and I came back to it, edited again and again, changed my style of writing from choppy and out of place for me in the beginning to more of my usual style towards the end. However, it was also the easiest, because I genuinely came back to write this whenever my mood really fit it, and so, I felt like this actually flowed naturally. If before I felt like I was writing Soonyoung and Seokmin's story, now I just felt like I wrote a story, maybe just Soonyoung's. I also didn't know where I was going to take this and how I would finish it until pretty much like Seungcheol's conversation with Soonyoung. And so, I also kind of let the words flow and discovered what I want to say along with Soonyoung, so I hope that comes across well too. I also hope you excuse me for the maybe a bit out-of-character representations of everybody here, and the very *cough*different*cough* relationships; I think that because this is in the future and further away from SVT's personalities, I had to change some stuff, and I've had these relationships in mind since mentioning Mingyu in the first chapters of the first part. I have to explicitly say I think Wonwoo's personality is the most off, because I know he's just a very smart but also kind of shy but kind of not ball of fluff, but he also has the capability to perform many personalities, so... artistic liberties. (I also kind of fell in love with the Soonyoung-Mingyu-Wonwoo relationship dynamics, so if you catch me writing some stuff for them, don't mind me. Also for the others I didn't have the time and space to write here - SVT is a big group, damn.)
> 
> Something I realized at some point while writing this series, and the reason why this is three parts, is because it fits very well with the progression of BTS' Love Yourself series. The first part, you could see the happy feelings you get while falling in love, the magic and the beauty of it, even if you do hesitate a little bit, like Her. Part 2 shows mostly what happens when you let your hesitations and your true personality ruin love, and the heartbreak that comes with that, like Tear. And then this part I tried to write a bit like Answer, the journey of finding and loving yourself outside of a relationship that kind of takes over you. It might be me putting Soonyoung through unnecessary angst, but this journey of finding and loving yourself is infinitely harder than heartbreak, and the end, the realization that you are your own person is the only thing happy about it; that doesn't make it less beautiful, and I hope you managed to resonate with Soonyoung a little bit through that. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for reading this, and I can't wait to see what you think! Lots of love and all my gratitude for getting all the way here! <3 <3


End file.
